Bar Jokes

1. Bar Contest :

A guy goes to a bar and sees a big jar of 5 dollar bills in it. He asks the bartender 'What's with the money?' the bartender replies 'we're having a contest.
You have to put in 5 dollars in the jar. then you have to complete 3 tasks. If you pass, you get all the money in the jar' 'ah what the hell. lets give it a try.' says the man, and puts the five dollars in the jar. 'first' says the bartender, 'you have to drink a large glass of tequila without making a face. second, there is a vicious rottweiler outside with a sore tooth. You have to pull out the sore tooth. third, upstairs there is an old woman who has never had sex in her life. you have to have sex with her. ok?' 'fine' says the man.
The bartender gives him the glass of tequila. the man drinks the whole thing without making a face.
Now drunk, he goes outside. the bartender here's lots of yelling and barking. when the man comes back, he is all shredded up. he asks 'ok, where's the woman with the sore tooth?'

2. Offers With Drinks :

Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper, "Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!"
"That's not so great, responded the friend. There's a bar across town that'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free."
"Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

3. Beer Festival :

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

4. A Man Walks Into A Bar... :

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"
"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.
"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

5. 12-year Scotch :

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me a 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch." The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, that's right!, now how old am I?"